I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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