Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
