I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
