I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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