Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
