she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
try to milk me bitch
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
