I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
