I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
