Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just invented taco cereal.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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