shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
