i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
