i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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