Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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