I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
