Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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