I wanna bring you to show and tell
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
