She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Pooping to opera.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
