I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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