So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
