You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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