I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
