If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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