Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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