VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
