I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
