I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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