Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Randomize
