hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
