i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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