I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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