there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
