Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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