Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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