he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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