Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize