And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
