does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
