I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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