also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
