just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
