Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
