I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
