I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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