Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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