I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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