I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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