I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
