Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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