So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have fence marks all over my body
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
