I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
