this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
