party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
is wine microwaveable?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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