I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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